Peek A Boo!

This is a post that I should have written quite a bit ago, butttt anyways lol.

I went on a date in OCT with a great guy. I was nervous at first, but he was such a gentleman that I was pretty at ease during dinner. I was happy with having more time with him than I thought I would. I thought we were going to have a few hours to chat, eat, and chat some more. We pretty much spent the entire day together. 🙂 It was a wonderful day too. I haven’t had a great time like that in quite awhile. What sort of annoyed me didn’t have anything to do with him. It did, however, have lots to do with people around us.

I am not sure if he noticed, but I did. I would look around every now and again to see a person or two staring at us. Why they were staring I can’t really say for sure actually. Were they staring because I am a big girl with an average sized guy? Are they staring because I am younger than him? Although by looking at him you can’t really tell he is older than me. Hm…I did catch a snippet of something someone said though. A black lady was talking to her (i’m assuming son) but she said,” Huh. Okayyy..” Her son looked over and said, ” Are they…??” I just rolled my eyes.

I have dealt with the looks and stares of people before for different reasons. Having someone stare because of someone’s skin tone is just ridiculous. Someone did ask me if it worried me that I would always be looked at funny. I told them it wouldn’t worry me. Someone who takes their time to stare me down will usually get a look back lol.

Ppl have “warned” me that it will be rough to be with someone outside of my race. Why? Better yet why should it be? This isn’t my first time dating someone who wasn’t black.I usually notice the looks, stares, and upturned noses of disgust. I also know that there are people out there who could give two shits out of a monkey’s ass who is beside me.

Ppl have asked me if it was “worth it” to pursue dating him. Uh yes! For many reasons I am not willing to share just yet I do believe dating him is worth it and more. I do have family members who are quite racist. I expect them to be downright disrespectful towards me. If we were to become an “item” they wouldnt meet him. No, I wouldnt be ashamed for them to meet him. I know how they are and they would make it a mission to make him uncomfortable. I can tolerate plenty of things except someone who will be an ass because he is of a different race. Their negativity isn’t wanted, needed, or required in any shape or form anyways.

SO can I take the stares? Sure. Can I take the odd disrespectful word? Definitely. There’s always going to be someone who doesn’t like you for whatever reason. Why should I have to accommodate someone else’s prejudice? That’s right…I shouldn’t. And I won’t. I like him. Get over it or not *shrug* Hm not going to stop my happiness 😉

Decision Made

Today I had an argument with someone who just had to “speak their mind” about a subject that has always been a hot button for me. I won’t explain the actual argument but it does amaze me how someone can hold on so tight to hate that it blinds them.

I was really surprised that I didn’t get really mad. I felt  a bit drained of energy. I let her know that if she couldn’t be civil towards me then there wasn’t a point to staying friends. Why should I be friends with someone who can’t handle her own prejudices? Who decides that her own selfish jealousy is an okay platform to put ppl down.

My goal with telling her that I wasn’t to knock her off the high horse. I didn’t aim to hurt her feelings. I just wanted her to know how much she hurt mine. I could tell in a brief moment she realized what she had done. But this wasnt the only time she has been downright ugly about something. Blah.

Negative people can be downright taxing on a person. One by one I have been letting people go who aren’t adding anything positive to my life. If you can’t be a real friend then you’ve got to go.

I know it seems harsh to some people. Sure, I believe people can change. I am not saying you have to be an angel to be my friend. What I am saying is that if I tell you about a happy moment in my life shouldn’t you be encouraging?

I will not apologize for being happy with meeting someone. Nor do I feel the need to be one of the lackeys that hang on her every word. I want to be my own person. I want to be able to progress with my life. Have people around me that encourage that growth as well. I want to be able t turn around and do the same for them.

Isn’t that what a real friend does?

 

Tomboi

People always seem to be a bit confused when they meet me. I never hide the fact that I am not a very “girly” girl. True I have what I call “va va va voom” outfits. But those are for special occasions only. Most of the time I am a jeans, tshirt, and quirky hat wearing tomboy. My “dressing up” is most likely to include dress pants, white shirt, and a blazer.  My hair? Well that’s up for discussion lol. I like to wear my hair natural. I will comb out my hair, but most of the time I let my curls just have at it.

I guess I could see someone’s confusion when they ask me who I would be open to dating. When I include men I can hear the room get quiet. I explain that I have dated men in the past and will again. Of course I am a bit picky about who I date. That goes for whatever gender I am dating. Why is that difficult to understand?

*sigh* I admit that when ppl first meet me they probably don’t know what to think of me. Clearly I am wearing men’s clothing and nail polish? o_0 The truth is I do have some feminine qualities that I express quite a bit. I love “smell goods”. Oh you know what I mean! The bed, bath, and body works stuff that smells so yummy it makes someone want to eat you up lol. Well at least that’s what someone told me one time. I like that contrast of masculinity mixed in with the femininity. Hence the moniker Tomboi.

When I was a kid I am sure my mother was very upset to realize how much I couldn’t stand the whole frilly thing. I was more interested in putting frilly things on other kids around me. I would dress my friends (boys and girls) in whatever cutesy outfit. I, on the other hand, would wear the makeshift suit/tie combo. Yeap, that’s right! lol.

My family thinks I am this woman who wants to break all the rules of normalcy. I can’t roll my eyes long enough for that statement. I just know what I like to wear. I love my personality. I am sure that others would love for me to be a carbon copy of my mom, but I’m not. Don’t get me wrong my mother is a beautiful woman. She is very femme and is every bit of a fashionista. BUT we are too different ppl. I like basketball shorts and tshirts while she loves skinny jeans and frilly tops. Mhm that’s right.

I’m just a tomboi who dates other tombois and men who aren’t full of themselves. I know that sounds rude, but its the truth. I want to date someone who doesn’t want to change me. I want to grow with someone. To love someone and have someone love me (tomboi me and all).

*sigh*

Does such a person even exist?

In Closing:

“This is my life, it is my one time to be me….” MA

….pretty much Lol.

BLAHHHHHHH

I am sitting here wondering what the hell is wrong with me.I am just in the weirdest mood right now. When I am nice I get crap. When I am mean I get attention. What in the world?

I am in the most pessimistic mood. A friend told me that if I tried being more demure I would get more attention. Uh what? I have never understood why I would have to be something/someone I’m not to ‘get’ someone. I am a confident person who can carry on a conversation. I tend to flirt with those I like. I do admit that is few and far in between. Is it because I refuse to just let it all hang out that I am looked over? Blah. Whatever.

It bugs me that people always tell me that I have to change “me” to have friends and etc. Why? A real friend should accept you as is right? Maybe that’s why I only have a small amount of friends. I only make friends with people who understand my corny jokes, can talk to me about just anything, and gets my dorkiness. Those things are not going to change no matter what lol.

*sigh*

I am annoyed at something and I am not sure about what. lol. smh. Maybe I just need to get laid. lmao. blah.

Oh well I am going for a drive. maybe after I wander around NC I will clear out some depressing thoughts.

*peace*

 

Date….

So today I went on a date. I should say this morning I went on a date. *sigh*….

The date wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t all that good either. I am chopping it up to the fact that they were nervous at the time. I just was bored with them saying “me me me me me me” throughout the entire conversation. it would have been nice to get a word in edge wise lol.

I can say that they didn’t talk about sex a lot. That is what I did like. They hinted at a few things, but didnt get upset when I changed the subject back to personal information.

I also got the impression he felt as if we would go somewhere more private after talking. Hmm no. We went for a walk in a very populated park.

The date just sort of…hm. Don’t really know how to describe it without saying it was sort of boring. Just got tired of him riding along on his “me speech”. lol Even when I tried to talk about other things he went on to talk about him. Blah. If by date two it is more of the same then…I do believe the friend pile he will have to go.

My friend told me to not give up on dating. I’m not. I just need my friends to stop trying to set me up on dates. I know they mean well, but it is definitely apparent they don’t have a clue what they’re doing.

Back to the drawing board, i guess.

Tomorrow’s blog? Something about sex! WHOO HOO! lol.

Jinkies!

Okay since I am getting a few messages about a couple posts where I commented on the vanilla life. Now don’t get me wrong I am NOT saying in ANY way that leading a vanilla life is easier. My parents have been married almost 30 years and I’ve seen their ups/downs. I have seen other marriages begin, end, begin again, and end again. What I WAS saying (out of frustration) is that it seems when I don’t show my dominant side I get all sorts of interest from people. They want to talk, get to know each other, and etc.

Even in the “kink” realm it seems as though there isn’t a real middle ground for those who message me. They’re either into extremes that don’t really interest me or want to change me in some way. I just want to be seen as a normal chica who has kinks/fetishes. Someone to explore fantasies with from time to time. Sure I am dominant, but I can’t really ignore that part of myself. I ignored it for long enough. I get a bit frustrated at times that’s all…..

SO to repeat myself again I am NOT saying vanilla couples have an easier go at being happy. I am NOT saying that a solely bdsm relationship is easier/harder. What I said was purely out of frustration that I keep running into duds. Jinkies what’s wrong with being dorky friends together first? blah.

ANYhoo…I hope that clears up some things for ppl.

*yawn*

I really should get some sleep. The problem is that I am completely awake. I could probably stay up for another 5-6 hours. I know I shouldnt but the feeling is there. Hm…

I haven’t written a post in quite a bit. I’ve changed a couple of things on my FET profile and thought about a few things as well. I have changed my orientation to homoflexible which seems to make a bit more sense. I am still very much interested in women, but my attention will flow to a man. I thought about putting bisexual as an orientation, but for me it just doesn’t ‘fit’ me.

I have also went to look at a few rental places. Most are definitely not like what you see online lol. The others have been okay. The neighbors were either creepy, weird, and/or too loud. I can’t see myself working my *bleep off* just to come home to drama in the hallway. a few friends have told me I should look for a smaller house to rent. That’s actually not a bad idea. The only thing is that I’d want to be able to have a pet live with me. *fingers crossed* I can find a place all my own. 🙂

I recently received an email asking if I were into a 24-7 type of D/s relationship. I honestly don’t believe I could do something like that. Okay, yes I would give a task to someone, but planning out a submissive’s day? Hmm not so much. I am not knocking anyone who does it. 24-7 just isn’t for me. I am more into a mish-mash of D/s and “vanilla” living. No, I dont mean vanilla as a bad word at all. I have kinks/fetishes just like anyone else. I’d love to incorporate that into a relationship. The trick is being with someone who would want that as well. I have either been with someone who wanted D/s or Vanilla all the time. I do believe it is time for a mix of the two…hmm another fingers crossed? yes.

………I am running out of battery power so let’s put this at a to be continued….

So, You’re a Sadist? (short blog)

That question is usually followed up with ‘so you make ppl bleed huh?’ Why this is always asked I have no idea. I am not knocking anyone else’s tastes, but not everyone has that need. Yes, if I am with someone who wants a scene that is a bit rough i get excited. I love that euphoric feeling. I do have my limits. I will not willingly cause someone to bleed. Bruises? sure. Bleeding? No.
I have been asked why I am like this. I don’t honestly know actually. I could be lame and “blame” it on some deep rooted angst. Lol. Right. Nope. I have always been this way. I am not some lurking crazy person looking to snatch up their next victim. I can’t roll my eyes fast enough about that one.

Most people hear “sadist” and immediately come up with the most ridiculous things on Earth. I’ve learned that most people who have written me off as some crazed looney weren’t worth my time anyways. Those who have chosen to get to know me see me for who I really am. A good, yet kinky, woman who has some lovely fetishes lol.

Break Time

So i am using my break time to write a blog. I find that unless it is “aunt flo” time my appetite is kind of weird right now. My doctor tells me its hormones that are fluctuating up and down. *sigh* Fine. But why couldn’t I be that woman with hormones that make you lose some weight? lol.

I have long ago adjusted to the idea I would never be a single digit number when weight was involved. I never really think too much about it unless someone calls my attention to it. You would be amazed at how rude/mean someone could be to a complete stranger. Funny how in an argument usually my weight is the first thing someone zeros in on. *rolls eyes*. Just reminds me just how small their mind is if that’s all they have to comment on. Family included on that actually. I grew a tough skin sooOOoo *shrug*.  I can take it lol.

Now that I can step down off of my soapbox I wonder what i should talk about. I actually have NO idea. Hmm…
lately i have been painting my nails as a way to stop my nervous habit from becoming a medical emergency. When I was a kid i used to chew on my finger nails all the way down to the quick. Yes, an ew is in order. lol. people have taken notice that I am painting them and just HAVE to comment. Just because I am not the most feminine woman out there doesn’t mean I am not a girl. Does that make sense? What I mean is I can wear nail polish, perfume, and even throw on some girly shorts from time to time. Its almost as if ppl want to always place me in a quaint little box for their own sanity. If I am okay with me then why should it matter if other people ARE NOT okay with me? Hmm think about that.

I am…doing well today. I am still having some trouble sleeping, but that’s alright. My health is better. I’m not as tired as I was last week. Now will it be like that come next week? Probably not lol. I will enjoy this while it lasts.

Oo next week i get a tattoo done. this is going to be my longest session for some ink. I will have to bring someone along with me to keep me awake. I get bored and my mind drifts. I really dont want to fall asleep lol. That would be way too embarrassing. I cant wait to get my ink. I think my tattoo after will be something dedicated to BDSM. So many things I could choose…a work in progress until I am completely happy with a design. 🙂

Be Happy. Be Merry. Thanks for reading 🙂

Ramble On

So I have been wondering about something for a quite a bit lately. Is love like some magical pill that you take when you meet someone to STAY with someone? Where can I get a vaccine like that? Lol I am asking this because it seems as if I missed that inoculation at every step of the way. I have been told that maybe just maybe  I haven’t really met the right one just yet. Well that’s fairly obvious now isn’t it? Sarcastic? Probably.

I have thought about going vanilla for all of .25 seconds today. Life only seemed simpler when i was living the vanilla walk. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing bad about being vanilla. I just realize that I am not complete without being a domme/top. I like the power/trust exchange between two ppl. I didnt get the same feelings when i was in a vanilla relationship. I loved her, but I felt something missing.

I have tried to explain to ppl that it is beyond hitting to have a gratifying D/s relationship. There is a tenderness that can come from a D/s relationship I havent encountered within a vanilla one. Yes, I have been in D/s relationships where there has been more than spanking going on. Duh. I am not an angel lol. I know what I like and when a sub or someone curious wants to try something I am game.

It just goes back to the fact that I know I am not the typical domme that ppl are used to encountering. I am not the typical woman, period. I have my faults and I admit them readily. I am a romantic passionate woman who gets a kick out of when someone submits to me. I smile at the thought of someone one day feeling comfortable enough to explore my/their fantasies with me. I just want…need…desire…someone who wants/needs/desires the same things. I am almost afraid to say it out loud, but does that someone even exist?

I do believe I am one of those sappy romantic types who believes that someone is out there for everyone. And in between finding and/or running into that someone you will crash into ppl that make you cringe. What is up with the “can i pee on your toes” messages? I had to flip through my pictures on FET to make sure that there wasn’t any pix of my feet. I went through my profile to make sure I didn’t word something weird. I know I dont have limits on my page but that is definitely a limit for me. I don’t knock anyone’s kink. But the opening line of a message shouldnt be something like that.

What happened to manners? Jinkies. Do they no longer exist? I am not asking for someone to bow down to me on the first meeting but good grief a Hello would suffice. Maybe i am just some hopeless romantic domme. So what? lol. A few good manners gets you into my good graces. And if those manners are really good they just might get you into a lovely position or two with me lol 😉

“You know what charm is: a way of getting the answer yes without having asked a clear question.” AC ‘The Fall